My best friend used to be the sweetest person I knew. She was fun to hang out with, treated everyone nicely, and was just a great person in general. She%26#039;d throw surprise parties for your birthday, take you out to eat and pay all the time, and once when I was down on my luck with money she bought me a cart of groceries just to help me out. She was just a really cool friend like that, and we all loved her.
But a year ago, she was raped. From what I understand, someone drugged her drink, and when she woke up she was in the backseat of her car with no memory of how she got there. The last thing she remembered was some guy standing over her and she was naked.
After that, she sort of became a recluse. She stopped showing up at parties altogether, came out with us less and less, and pretty soon it was hard just to even get a hold of her for anything. It was like she was in hiding or something, and for months none of us knew much about what was going on with her.
But now, she%26#039;s started coming around again, however there%26#039;s something different: she%26#039;s completely changed. She%26#039;s just not nice anymore. It%26#039;s like sometimes she%26#039;ll go out of her way to say something mean to you, and she is very sarcastic about things. One night we had planned on going to see a movie but she canceled without even bothering to call and let me know. I asked her about it the next day and she was just like %26quot;Oh like you%26#039;re the world%26#039;s greatest friend, get over it%26quot;...she was NEVER mean before. And now, she just has this attitude. All of my friends have noticed it, and we don%26#039;t know what to think about this.
Is it possible this is some delayed aftershock from the rape? It happened a year ago. Do you think she needs some therapy, even though technically she%26#039;s not really crazy? I don%26#039;t know if you can tell someone they need help just because their personality has changed, but we definitely feel that something is the matter with her...
Can a rape change your core personality?
Well think about if you were raped. How would you feel - do you think you will get over it. Do you feel it... Well until you can or do then don%26#039;t analyze her. Let her be who she is until she decides to change.
Can a rape change your core personality?
Well firstly, she needs to get help to talk to someone about what happened. Rape is traumatic any way you want to look at it. It turns people into empty shells of the person that they used to be. Being raped makes you feel like you have had everything taken away from you. I mean, you%26#039;re violated in a physical and mental manner and there%26#039;s nothing about it that makes you feel good (unless you killed the bastard). You don%26#039;t feel like a person after something like that happens and there is little to no hope that they will ever be the same again. Imagine taking a flower, dipping it in liquid nitrogen and smashing it against the floor. That%26#039;s what its like. I think that her being mean to people is her way of trying to have control of something and trying to make others feel as bad as she does. She needs to understand that what happened isn%26#039;t her fault and that she%26#039;s not alone. It%26#039;s highly likely that she has PTSD. The best thing that you can do would be to help her get help and just be a supportive friend.
anyone who gets raped needs therapy. even if it were over a year ago.
1) she did become a recluse because she was so badly used; since someone drugged her, she felt she could not be safe drinking or eating around anyone.
2) NOW, being mean... i think she has decided to be tough, to never be the one who is taken advantage of again. and i imagine that someone she trusts has told her repeatedly to %26quot;get over it%26quot; and she thinks that is part of being tough.
she doesn%26#039;t want to be vulnerable, so she has closed off her softer emotions, and that leaves sarcasm.
Rape is a life altering event and most people who have been raped experience some change in personality. It%26#039;s not at all unusual for rape victims to shut the world out. In a way, it%26#039;s a defense mechanism. If they don%26#039;t go out or let anyone in, they can%26#039;t get hurt. You try to control your environment and the situations you are in, so that you%26#039;re never in the situation that occurred when you were raped. It gives you a sense of control, when you feel like you have absolutely none. Sometimes it just takes time, and sometimes it takes more than that. Rape is an emotionally damaging thing, and unless you%26#039;ve been through it, you can%26#039;t really relate or identify with her. Be patient, be kind, and be there for her. If things don%26#039;t change you can subtly ask her if she%26#039;s ever considered getting help. Don%26#039;t be too pushy, because you%26#039;ll end up damaging the relationship further. Good luck!
Yes, there%26#039;s a delayed aftershock; it%26#039;s called post traumatic stress disorder. This disorder can wreck a person%26#039;s whole life. Have some empathy with her. You can tell her you think she has PTSD and tell her that her personality has changed, and ask her to go into therapy, but that%26#039;s about it. She%26#039;s also very angry about what happened, which is perfectly normal. She%26#039;s probably also ashamed and depressed. Buy her some flowers and then buy her some more flowers.
The first answer was perfect. The only thing I could add is to stress the importance of being a good supportive friend, listen and be there for her.
she has been violated and she does not have a memory of it that would be so petrifing the poor girl. it would be so hard without help to be the trusting, lovely person she was before. she thinks whats the point being so sweet, nice, and trusting when look what happened because of it.
talk to her ask her if she needs to talk about things and suggest she get professional help cause she needs it
I think it is EXTREMELY important for rape victims, especially teenage ones, to get consistent therapy after the rape. Even though she was raped a year ago, you have to understand the serious affects of rape, with or without therapy. Being raped shuts people down into a narrow-minded and biased world. She probably is finding it hard to trust again and replays the event in her mind constantly, which scares and shakes her. Rape victims usually shut down after rape, even though alot of them dont. I can only understand, being abused is terrible and being sexually abused is heinous and really sad. About her and the you being the greatest friend thing, she prob is mad at you and alot of ppl for not being there at a time where she needed someone the most. Give her time, support, patience, understanding, and please check inot her getting help. All my prayers are extended to her, peace.
Hi Clark,
Every woman who experiences sexual assault reacts in a different way, which varies according to their background and past experiences. There is no right or wrong way to feel and no set time for when she should be feeling better.
There are some common responses that many victim/survivors experience at some point in time. These responses are sometimes referred to as Rape Trauma Syndrome, which outlines a number of stages that women may go through in the recovery process. These feelings and reactions are quite normal.
Acute phase
Following sexual assault, shock is a common reaction, which may include feelings of acute distress and severe anxiety. The way you react to these feelings may be to cry a lot or, to feel quite numb and appear calm and withdrawn to those around you.
Outward adjustment
This is not suggesting that the survivor is %26quot;over%26quot; the experience of being sexually assaulted, but that the emotional turmoil and immediate anxiety may have subsided. The survivor may feel ready to return to work or school and to see friends, family or co workers.
Re-organisation phase
During this period there may be major changes in employment, place of living and close relationships. There may be difficulties with relationships and sex, depression, and continuing fears and anxieties (often in the form of nightmares or phobias).
For more about reactions to rape and see the links below.
Counselling after an assault is really helpful to many people. If your friend needs to speak with someone in Australia ring the Australia wide sexual assault line on 1800 200 526. In the USA contact RAINN on 1800 656 HOPE.
You may also find it useful to speak with someone about how to help your friend.
Going for counseling doesn%26#039;t mean someone%26#039;s crazy. When she%26#039;s ready for help and ready to change, counseling can be a great step. She needs outlets for her emotions--art, music, dance, journaling, etc. It sounds like the defense mechanism reaction formation, acting the opposite of how you feel. My guess is she%26#039;s really hurting and wants love and comfort, but she%26#039;s in so much emotional pain she%26#039;s pushing people away. She probably has PTSD. http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/ncdocs/f鈥?/a> %26quot;Healing is a continuous process. Sometimes a struggle. Rape affects all parts of one%26#039;s life and being, and one has to work continually to become whole and intact.%26quot; http://www.survivingtothriving.org/heali鈥?/a>
emotional aspects of rape:
http://www.nisaa.org.za/rape/effects.ht >
http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/journ鈥?/a>
%26quot;Anger. Many survivors experience intense feelings of rage at their attacker, friends, family, or life in general. They may be angry at the treatment they received after the rape, or because they feel powerless. While anger can be a difficult emotion to deal with, anger directed at the perpetrator can play an important role in the healing process. %26#039;I just want to kill him!%26#039; %26#039;How dare the police, courts, doctors, etc. treat me like that!%26#039;%26quot; http://mystorymyshame.blogspot.com/2006/鈥?/a>
http://www.secasa.com.au/index.php/worke鈥?/a>
Sounds like she needs some tough love.
Just slap her once, hard, across the face, and scream %26quot;GET OVER IT.%26quot;
She%26#039;ll be fine.
--Ray
